You tend to marvel at yourself: the things and thoughts you harbor.
How can these things exist inside you, alongside an intention, an aspiration for goodness, for transformation, for holiness?
What insanity is this?
Maybe it’s not insanity. Maybe it’s humanity, and your struggle should not be so much wondering about your contradictions, as marveling about the grace and love that is new every day, and allows you to walk forward in a new way (should you so choose), not at the beginning of each new day, but at the beginning of each new moment.
Yes, you wish the contradictions were not there, but also don’t forget to be grateful for the grace-given opportunity to do grow and do good work.